Originally, I wrote a post on "A summary of the past 4 years of my life". While drunk and writing for an hour at 2am, I published without noticing the internet was not working, now its all gone. Unfortunately, I'm not going to write it all out again, it was all in the mood and I can't reproduce that same post. It's too bad, it was something I wanted people to know about after being closed up for years. Now, I leave the past behind and embark a new chapter in my life. After speaking to my godbrother last night, I now leave you with this revised post as this blog shifts gears.

For those of you who don't know, this blog was originally intended as a way for me to communicate with a special someone. Now that person is not so special and I've encountered someone else who means a lot more to me. With no disrepect to the previous star of this blog, I now write about this new person in my life.

I now walk out of high school the same way I walked into high school; few friends and lots of alone time. Yes it's sad, it's not that I want to be alone nor do I mind being alone, sometimes I want to be out with the people I love. Unfortunately, there isn't many of them left, and I don't plan on starting to do so for awhile. These past few years have been a roller coaster ride to me, ups and downs, twists and turns. Met some great people, met some douchebags, and although I made friends with some of the greatest people, its all over. I've been betrayed and used, but now I don't care. The past is the past, there's nothing I can do about it, all I can do is prevent it from happening in the future. I have trust issues, I have problems, I overthink. Overthinking might not be healthy, but it's the only way I can be ready for the worst to happen (again).

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I don't know why I'm exposing this, I don't want people to think I have problems. But is it any good for me to bottle it up? There's this person I met, let's call him M. We met through work about a year ago. Didn't really know him or talk to him, it was until a few months ago, I actually took the initiative to do something. He's a nice guy, funny, and supportive. After working with him for a while, he would talk to me and help me out. I usually just go with the flow and have people come to me, not because I'm a jerk but because I'm afraid to take the first step. Who knew that it would pay off for once... As I got to know him, he really seemed like a great guy and was the perfect brother-figure for me. I don't know how things went so well, it all seems like a dream to me. M is different, he seems to care about me, and I really care about him. For some reason, I just wanted to help him and be there for him. After 2 occasions of long talks, somehow, we just became godbrothers, I would call him Dai Lo and he would call me Sai Lo. I didn't really know how to deal with this, it was all new to me. One of my previous best friends had a godfamily, didn't really understand the structure or function of it. Today, I still don't.

This Dai Lo is quite influential to me. I got an earring because of him. I'm still working because of him. I spent the most money I've ever spent because of him. I'm writing this because of him. The earring, I thought it looked really cool on him, so I got one despite my fear of pain and needles. I am not quitting my job anymore because it's the only way I can see him. I hate that job, yet I'm still there because of him. I always felt like I needed to repay him for the care and kindness he's given me. I've never been treated the way he treated me. I actually felt like I was important and had someone that cared about me. That's probably why I felt that I needed to help his dream come true. I blew my savings to get it for him, something I would never do because I'm a selfish bastard. For some reason, I don't know how to think of the situation. I know he's thankful for what I've done, but I feel that I'm buying his friendship and I deserve more. Maybe I expect too much, or want to get more return on my investment. I feel bad that that's how I feel, and it's really hard because I can't tell what he's thinking. He tells me to not overthink, to open up and to be positive. I try, I really do. That's why I'm writing this, I feel the need to let it out and express my feelings. No I'm not gay, I love him as a brother, nothing else. The problem is, I don't really know what he thinks of everything. He's from a different "culture", and everything that I do might seem a bit weird to him... In a way, I don't want to give 100% and only get back 70%, or I don't want to be doing all this and only be viewed as some friend. He's very important to me, and obviously I want to be important to him as well. Yes, I do expect too much, that's probably why most of my best friends haven't lasted, but there's something different about this Dai Lo and I hope things don't end up like they have before.

As I spend another hour trying to write, I noticed I've written more than I have for my culminating essays. Haha this might be too long but it's how I feel and I just need to get it off my mind. I'm not asking for much, I just want someone to love and care about me, and right now that someone is M. I want it to be genuine, and not out of pity or because he feels he owes me. Life is complicated, I've said what I needed to say. For those of you who actually read all this, I thank you, and maybe you can shed some light on this sad thing I call my life.

This is not a parody of the Top Ten List on Letterman.

10. Vote. (Like thats ever gonna happen)

9. Write my own excuse notes for school.

8. Sign my own permission forms.

7. Legally Drink (in Quebec). :(

6. Watch R rated movies.

5. Buy Scratch Cards/Lottery Tickets

4. Get paid at least minimum wage.

3. No number 3, too busy watching R rated movies.

2. Call the Quest hotline.

1. Legally watch porn. ;)

Uh, is it just me or are people from New Jersey, Virginia and France fans of my blog? Not that I'm complaining, but I find it weird that people from those places are visiting my blog. To be honest, this blog is for friends only, the only reason I don't put a lock on it is cause a lot of them don't use xanga. The weird thing is, they visit as soon as I publish an entry *coughbotcough*.

So to who/whatever you are, get a life.